Sunday, April 20, 2008

Insights

I realized that when I only post twice a month, you only get the surface. So this post is to delve a little below the surface and see what's there to see. You may be tempted to put on some snorkeling gear, put I'd recommend full scuba gear. For those of you who know me, I can dive deep before you know it and without realizing it myself sometime. I'd rather you be prepared than have you gasping and choking.

I'm learning to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone with Mark gone. I'm also finding that I'm weak when I try to do this by myself. That may not make sense, but I'm learning that I still need people, that "by myself" doesn't mean that I have to be alone. And that "by myself" physically (ie: Mark halfway around the world) doesn't mean that he's not there spiritually and emotionally. But I've also learned that it helps when I can talk to Mark regularly. That even when we misunderstand each other, just hearing his voice puts a spring in my step and a smile on my face that can't be duplicated.

The other side is that I'm face to face with myself while Mark is away. There's nowhere to hide. And I'm learning that I don't like everything I see. It's the same stuff as when he's here, but I'm realizing that there are things that only I can change. That while I need Mark to be my balance, I can't rely on him to do it all for me. I've always known that. And I don't think I went so far as to actually count on him to do it ALL, but I definitely relied on him to do things that were really out of his realm of influence. So now my task is to get off my butt and do something about these "things."

Of course, I can't do it all myself, either. I must rely on God to help me, but He's not going to do it FOR me, I've got to get the ball rolling and He'll help me direct it to where it needs to go.

So, what are these "things?" Here are a few I feel willing to share:

1. Living a healthy lifestyle
* You'd think after surviving leukemia, I'd have this one down pat, but not so. This is a constant struggle and one I've only had a success with once (when we lived in C-ville.)
* I must learn to make healthy choices in what I eat and in what I do. Exercise is the big hurdle for my sedentary nature. I've done it before, what's it going to take for me to do it for life?

2. Being honest
* With myself and with others

3. Doing things (ie: following through with commitments) even when I don't feel like it
* I know that this is a byproduct of depression
* I also know that by doing things when I don't feel like it I'll start to feel better and want to do things. It's one of those vicious circles, but one I've got to start being proactive about and not be a victim of my feelings

4. Addressing difficult issues with loved ones, rather than avoiding them and hoping they'll go away
* Again, you see a pattern of avoidance developing here.

5. Striving for perfection without beating myself up for not reaching it
* This one is a constant battle for me, and is going to continue to be.

Now, don't get depressed reading this. Life is not hopeless and bleak. Actually it's full and exciting! A constant challenge that has a new start every day. Staying positive and finding the good in things is something that keeps me going. When you start hearing negative, negative, negative come out of my mouth, that's when you need to start to worry. And then, all you have to do is point out the silver lining, help me see the sun above the clouds, that kind of thing, and I'll be fine. No rose-colored glasses, but knowing life is not all doom and gloom.

Thanks for listening. Maybe this was more than you wanted. Just thought I'd let you know what's going on inside, instead of just keeping you informed of my day to day happenings with work and school.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Yeah, I know . . .

Yeah, I know, not keeping up with the posts. Sorry, but it's the same ole, same ole around here! The good news is that Mark and I are able to talk more regularly now (read his blog) so I'm doing a lot better on the day to day stuff. There's just something about hearing his voice that keeps my spirit soaring. I don't know how folks did it way back when.

Time is flying and that's awesome!!! Almost a third of the way through this separation gig. Yay!!! I know it's far from over, and I know that there are going to be some rough patches, but it feels doable.

A friend took me around E-ville to some great bargain stores yesterday and I got even more books. (Imagine that!) Book Broker on Covert Ave! Awesome!!! Hardback books for $1.50! Woohoo!!! A couple of consignment shops that I'll have to share with mom and Irvin, too. I had tons of fun and really didn't end up spending that much. Now that's the way I need to shop! Of course, with the other books I purchased and the library at my disposal, there's no way I'm going to be finishing them any time soon. So many books, so little time!

And next weeks is finals week (again!) Five week classes go by super quickly! So far, so good on my grades for this five weeks, but I'd love to ace these finals! A little nervous about the hands-on final on Tuesday. I did get a practice session in on one of my unsuspecting friends, but that's it. Need to somehow get more practice in so that I'm more confident about my skills going into these finals. I have a couple more takers, it's just finding the time to coordinate schedules.

The big to do around here this weekend is the earthquake we felt early Friday morning (4:30 a.m. or so) and then the after shock around 10:15 a.m. Chi and I both were roused from our slumber (which is a big feat for one, let alone both!) by the weirdest, longest lasting sounds, and neither one of us could figure it out. I immediately thought of the furnace, and went down to look. By the time I did that, all was still again. Looked outside and could see no large vehicles or drilling going on, so decided it wasn't anything to worry about. Then when I was leaving a message with a friend, it happened again, though not as long this time. Again, I checked the furnace and looked outside. Nothing. I guess I'm a little slow, but "earthquake" never once entered my brain. Wasn't until friend called back that i found out that's what it was. It sure wasn't like any earthquake I remember experiencing before (not that I've experienced many, maybe 3 in my life.) Nothing rattled, and there was a low toned, loud rumbling. Very weird.

So that's the news from southern Indiana. Talk at ya later.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April has arrived!

And so has Mark! Actually he arrived in Iraq about 6 days ago, but I first got to hear his voice yesterday. He's doing well, sounded good. I'm sure he'll be posting here pretty soon. They are waiting on internet connections to be set up in their "rooms" so as soon as that happens, I'm sure we'll all get to hear from him on a more regular basis. It sounds like he's going to be having 10 hour work days, lives 1/2 mile from where his office is set up, and has his own vehicle (not sure how he managed that one!) They are still in the process of being handed things over from the troops that are getting ready to leave.

Trying to keep things going here at home is proving to be a challenge. I have three vehicles that need to be serviced, but taxes are due and even though Mark's extra pay kicked in, I don't know how to get it transferred from savings to checking without messing things up that are already in place for this to take place. Needless to say, I sent Mark quite a few e-mails in the past few hours! I'm sure he'll know what to do, but that's the thing: I should be able to handle that by myself!

I'm a little frustrated with school right now, but I'm trying to weather the little storms that keep the water of learning unstable. Not the school work, per se, but the annoying changes that keep occurring since this is a new program. I really don't mind some wind and rain, that's to be expected, but I sometimes feel as if this program was not as well thought out as it should have been. Oh, well. I'm learning and growing and will be a licensed massage therapist someday, looking back on this as a little wave in the ocean of life. (How's that for you literary folk?)

Speaking of literature, I've read some good books lately (yes, in the midst of muscle cells, musculoskeletal pathology, and massage techniques, I do find time to sink my teeth into a nice book every now and then.) And I've also purchased some future reading.
Matthew Kelly's book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy" is a good self-help book for improving the relationships in your life. His thoughts dove-tail nicely with the law of attraction, but somehow have a more down-to-earth practicality to them.
Michael Dibdin's Aurelio Zen books are progressing nicely (I just finished the 5th book in the series and am anxiously awaiting the arrival of number 6 from Interlibrary loan, since our library system somehow missed that one.) They are different from the usual mystery/crime novel, and have me enmeshed in Italian life and intrigue.
I'm into the third book of Donita K Paul's dragon series (read DragonSpell and DragonQuest, now reading DragonKnight). This is a totally different fantasy world that has captured my imagination.
My future reading purchases were "'Tis" which follows "Angela's Ashes" by Frank McCourt, "A Monk Swimming" by his brother Malachy McCourt, and "The City of Falling Angels" which is by the author of "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil," by John Berendt. "Angela's Ashes" and "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" were both recommended by other people, are both nonfiction that read like fiction, and are books that I probably wouldn't have picked up on my own. Obviously, they captured my attention enough to read more!

I've been healthy (no colds or flus lately), but still not motivated enough to establish an exercise routine in my schedule. I really need to do something like that when I'm done posting, actually. If I listened to Matthew Kelly (and mark3200) I'd know that this is something I need to do to become the-best-version-of-myself. So when am I going to start listening? Or when am I going to stop listening and start doing? Today's gotta be the day! I'll keep you posted!