Ah, the holidays!

He's here! He's home! WooHoo!

And the reason I can have time to post this while he's here is that he's sitting across the room at his own computer. It's wonderful! Everything is in it's place with Mark home. (Though I'm sitting across the room because I need to give him a little space to breathe. I've been a little "attached" to him for the past couple of days!)

I'm enjoying every moment!

Today's the Day!

Today's the day for which we've all been waiting! The first day of mobilization! Yikes! Now just a year to get through. That's all, just a year. I've been known to say that I could handle anything for a year, so now it's time to put it into practice.

The good thing is that Mark is still around for a little while. He doesn't leave for Camp Atterbury until Thursday morning and then he comes back 10 days later. I handled 3 weeks, so 10 days will be nothing! Then I have 10 days of pure bliss, with no military duties of any sort! That will be a real treat! Actually, I can't imagine that they will leave him alone for all 10 days, but we'll see.

I know that this will be difficult to believe for those of you who have never had a spouse or loved one mobilize before, but I am relieved that this day has finally arrived! We've been leading up to it for so long that it felt like forever. Now the clock is ticking, which means there will be an end to this drama. (You will have to remind me of this in the middle sometime when I get depressed - there is an end in sight!)

I have to say that it has been a treat to spend time with people! Everyone is so supportive of us, that I know it will all work out and that I won't be entirely alone! As those of you who know me know, I am a private person, so it has been a stretch to open my house. And what a wonderful stretch it has been! Once I put aside my anxiety and decided to just enjoy the company, it was astounding! I really do have to remember that feeling when I just want to stay cooped up in my own space all by myself.

Awake all night!

Yes, it's true! I haven't slept a wink all night! No reason that I know of, just couldn't drift off. So I shopped online and then wrote our holiday letter. And it's now morning, and I'm still wide awake. Mark is at his computer goofing off before he heads out to work. It's nice to have him around!

Thanksgiving was a treat! We entertained 12 relatives for 6 hours. Whew! Just a preliminary run for Mark's sending off party Saturday afternoon/evening. I'm not sure how we're going to hold more people. I guess we'll all just have to mingle instead of planting ourselves. I added chairs for the fam, maybe I'll have to get rid of chairs for the party? Can you tell I'm not used to entertaining?

And I'm supposed to be going easy on the holiday gift giving, due to our reduced income (ie, me not working), but I've not been doing a very good job in that department. I guess I have been going easier, but I still get way too many gifts for people! I just love to shop and holidays give me an excuse to shop! And I love finding things for people and anticipating the look on their face when they receive it. Some of my online shopping has been for my mother. She hasn't been able to find what she's looking for in stores, and gives her online shopping to me to do for her. I love spending money! Especially when it's other people's!

Seriously, I really have to do something about this addiction of mine. I know that giving is a good thing, but I think that I put way too much value on giving "things" rather than giving time and self. My quandry is that I feel as if I've boxed myself into giving lots of gifts. You know, that since I've always done it, I'm always expected to do it. And I like doing it, so it's a big, round, vicious circle of infinite proportions. I was hoping that by having a child that would be a good excuse to stop buying such elaborate gifts for everyone, but since we don't have a child yet, I can't use that one. Sounds like I need to take this one to God!

And speaking of God, I can't believe that Advent is soon upon us! I'm hoping to take time this Advent to really spend time with God, so that I can be excited about celebrating the birth of His Son and yet not be overly stressed about the fact that Mark will be leaving after the holidays. This is happening way too quickly for me, but I have yet to learn how to slow down time, so I've just got to go with the flow.

Here I am, Lord

Here I am, sitting with my 2 beautiful cats. Aren't they sweet? They definitely keep me warm!

The problem is that I am too much like a cat myself. I honestly don't get much done when I'm settled in with my cats and a good book. Especially when the little one is there. She doesn't get up into a lap too often, so it's a rare treat, and one with which I'm loathe to mess.

I know that it can't be this way forever, cause God has plans for me out in the World, but at least for a little while I can enjoy the warmth and companionship of two little bodies and a riveting book, be here for Mark when he pops in, and let the rest of the world take care of itself.

5 really good things

List five really good things, right now . . .

1. GOD
2. My incredibly wonderful husband!!
3. Autumn weather
4. Friends who stay friends no matter how long it's been
5. Sleeping til I'm done

Thanks, kelly!

Thoughts on deployment

My thoughts today are about Mark's imminent deployment and how that has already affected me even though it hasn't yet happened.

Life has become more focused for me in the past few months. Instead of pouring my heart and soul into my career, I am able to pour my heart and soul into the time I have with my husband. I appreciate whatever little time we have together, and doing things for him has actually been a pleasure rather than something else I have to cram into my already bulging at the seams day.

As I've mentioned in a previous posting, I am a better person with Mark. My goal while he is away is to become a better person without him. That might sound cruel, but I think that's exactly what he wants to happen. That way, when we are together again, we have better people to give each other.

I originally thought that I would have a child to keep me occupied while Mark was deployed. Since that did not happened, I had to rethink what I would do with my time. This gives me the perfect opportunity to explore options that I may have overlooked before. I am learning that I need to make the most of this opportunity and get back into living life to the fullest with myself and those around me.

While I would not choose Mark's deployment as the way to go about doing this, I know that it is happening for a reason. God knows better than I do what I need, so I need to just jump into the stream of life and let it take me where it will.

This is not easy for a German Catholic to do! I am used to being in a sturdy boat either paddling my heart out and screaming directions at the one steering, or sitting in the boat looking at the map and telling the one steering that this really is not the most efficient route. Either way, I am not used to getting wet. And now's the time for me to get soaked.

So, ready or not, here I go! *SPLASH*

Life is better when I'm not alone

Mark is back! If I think 3 weeks is a long time, what am I going to do for a whole year? I know I can do it, though, even though it's not going to be fun. And I'm starting to prepare for that time that will really hit on January 2nd. I am going to start Daymar College's Massage Therapy program on January 7! Yay! I'm very excited about this! It's a big step for me to do something so totally different from what I've been doing, but it feels right. Now I just have to find a job. I haven't heard anything back from my interview last week, but I'm thinking it's not the right job for me. I need something a bit more flexible. What that is I have yet to discover. . .

I think about the last time I was "happy" with my life (job, home, extras) and then see if I can capture some of that in my current circumstances. It's not difficult to find out when and where that was: it was when we lived in Crawfordsville, IN from 2002-04. I had a part-time job in which I could visit a state park on my way home from work once a week for hiking and drawing. (Yeah, I was actually drawing!) I also worked out (gasp!) regularly with water aerobics and pilates/yoga at a local fitness center. We owned a cool little brick bungalow and I met some really awesome people at church through CRHP.

So, here's how I'm seeing things. I will be driving by the Audobon State Park when I start going to Daymar. Classes will be 4 days a week in the mornings (okay, not my best time of day, but it's better than driving back home at 11 p.m.) One day a week I can stop by the park on my way home and have a date with myself. At least two other days I can go to the gym and get in some swimming, water aerobics and/or pilates/yoga. I'm already involved with CRHP and meeting awesome people at church, and we own a pretty cool house, so those parts are covered. The only thing missing is a part time job that is flexible enough to allow me to do the above without killing myself. Any ideas?

Day Two

Today has been incredible! I had a job interview (part-time library circulation clerk) this morning and a massage therapy program interview (Daymar College in Owensboro, KY) this afternoon. Wow! For going from doing absolutely nothing, to having options is a huge change! Of course, I'll have to wait and hear about the job after a couple of others are interviewed as well. And as far as the massage therapy program, I need to do some more investigation into other schools as well to make sure I find the right fit.

Okay, these opportunities didn't come out of thin air. I have been trying to decide what to do with this stage of my life for several months now and this is where that has led. So, I still have a lot of praying and listening to do, but at least I'm moving. Yay!

The key is that I need to have something to keep myself engaged while Mark is away. And ideally, while I'm engaged in said activity, I'll be learning skills and preparing myself to have a new career that's flexible enough to allow me to raise a family.

I thought about owning a bookstore, but after long discussions with my other half realized that it would probably end up being more work than profit. I thought about getting a doctorate in Guidance and Counseling, but that would basically be keeping me in the same pond in which I've been drowning. I thought about getting a degree that would allow me to work more with the Catholic Church, but I think I'd rather keep that end of things on a volunteer basis (though, I'm still open to this option at some point).

Massage therapy is something that I believe fits my current needs. The programs are a year long (study while Mark's away), get certified and start establishing a client base while we are filling out adoption paperwork when he returns, then fit my schedule around having a child when he or she arrives. Sounds good, huh?!

At least that's the thought for now. Many things could happen between now and January, and I'm open to pretty much whatever comes my way.

First time for everything

I never thought I'd be doing this. Blogging, that is. But here I am, 40-something and creating my own space. And I will literally be creating my own space in a couple of short months when my husband leaves for Iraq. That's the purpose of this space: to share my thoughts and feelings on being alone for a full year. The full year officially starts on December 10, 2007, but physical separation will actually begin January 2, 2008.

In the meantime, I am changing the rest of my world as well. I resigned as a school counselor (been doing it in various formats for the past 15 years) in order to be a mom (only took 15 years to decide to finally go there). The resignation part went through, but the mom part has not, and will be on hold until the man of my dreams returns from the desert. I always said I couldn't see myself being a school counselor for 30 + years, and I feel strongly that it's time for a change. So, now I have a bright clean whiteboard on which to write the next phase of my life, on which, I know will be motherhood at some point. But as to the money earning part, that's another story. A story that I will be writing as I go along, so I'll keep you updated as I create (make up, dream, fall flat on my face, and get up again)

So that's it. My first posting. Not so bad.