Insights

I realized that when I only post twice a month, you only get the surface. So this post is to delve a little below the surface and see what's there to see. You may be tempted to put on some snorkeling gear, put I'd recommend full scuba gear. For those of you who know me, I can dive deep before you know it and without realizing it myself sometime. I'd rather you be prepared than have you gasping and choking.

I'm learning to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone with Mark gone. I'm also finding that I'm weak when I try to do this by myself. That may not make sense, but I'm learning that I still need people, that "by myself" doesn't mean that I have to be alone. And that "by myself" physically (ie: Mark halfway around the world) doesn't mean that he's not there spiritually and emotionally. But I've also learned that it helps when I can talk to Mark regularly. That even when we misunderstand each other, just hearing his voice puts a spring in my step and a smile on my face that can't be duplicated.

The other side is that I'm face to face with myself while Mark is away. There's nowhere to hide. And I'm learning that I don't like everything I see. It's the same stuff as when he's here, but I'm realizing that there are things that only I can change. That while I need Mark to be my balance, I can't rely on him to do it all for me. I've always known that. And I don't think I went so far as to actually count on him to do it ALL, but I definitely relied on him to do things that were really out of his realm of influence. So now my task is to get off my butt and do something about these "things."

Of course, I can't do it all myself, either. I must rely on God to help me, but He's not going to do it FOR me, I've got to get the ball rolling and He'll help me direct it to where it needs to go.

So, what are these "things?" Here are a few I feel willing to share:

1. Living a healthy lifestyle
* You'd think after surviving leukemia, I'd have this one down pat, but not so. This is a constant struggle and one I've only had a success with once (when we lived in C-ville.)
* I must learn to make healthy choices in what I eat and in what I do. Exercise is the big hurdle for my sedentary nature. I've done it before, what's it going to take for me to do it for life?

2. Being honest
* With myself and with others

3. Doing things (ie: following through with commitments) even when I don't feel like it
* I know that this is a byproduct of depression
* I also know that by doing things when I don't feel like it I'll start to feel better and want to do things. It's one of those vicious circles, but one I've got to start being proactive about and not be a victim of my feelings

4. Addressing difficult issues with loved ones, rather than avoiding them and hoping they'll go away
* Again, you see a pattern of avoidance developing here.

5. Striving for perfection without beating myself up for not reaching it
* This one is a constant battle for me, and is going to continue to be.

Now, don't get depressed reading this. Life is not hopeless and bleak. Actually it's full and exciting! A constant challenge that has a new start every day. Staying positive and finding the good in things is something that keeps me going. When you start hearing negative, negative, negative come out of my mouth, that's when you need to start to worry. And then, all you have to do is point out the silver lining, help me see the sun above the clouds, that kind of thing, and I'll be fine. No rose-colored glasses, but knowing life is not all doom and gloom.

Thanks for listening. Maybe this was more than you wanted. Just thought I'd let you know what's going on inside, instead of just keeping you informed of my day to day happenings with work and school.